Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.
Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.
"It may be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."
Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of put. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:
A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate
The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation
A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")
And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have another area the place American Guys can wear robes and call it diplomacy."
In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.
In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":
Ceasefires brokered by towel boys
Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders
A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
"This is often gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."
What the Critics Are Screaming
Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every Trump Tower Damascus device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."
Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"
Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."
Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.
Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after finding the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.
"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.
The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities
Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:
A silent atrium exactly where guests might contemplate obscure disappointment
A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Command established to "distant"
A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.
Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.
Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"
The ad campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:
"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."
One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:
"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."
Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge displays:
34% say "it might stabilize the area"
29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"
eighteen% said "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"
Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"
The challenge is already attracting interest from Global investors, including:
A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister
The Russian Guild of Oligarchs
And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."
In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include things like:
A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances
A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'
And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War
Remark Area Chaos
Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:
"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."
Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:
"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD might have flip-down services."
One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Influence
U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:
China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."
Final Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™
Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:
"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."